Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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