Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
