i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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