In the future we'll all be gay
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
the liver wants what the liver wants
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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