if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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