Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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