and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
