he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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