My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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