Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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