i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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