I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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