I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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