The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
