she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
