4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The power of my boobs compel you
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