The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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