I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
