I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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