I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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