Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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