If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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