my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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