Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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