Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
my poor anus
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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