i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
