Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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