I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
birth control should be required to get into college
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
