I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
