We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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