Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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