if you like me you must not know who I am
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
