Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
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Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
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When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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