no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's rum buckets o'clock
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
