I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
