Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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