The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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