Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
