Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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