You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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