We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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