I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
