my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
