threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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