Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
