I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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