you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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