omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
