If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
