I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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