Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
