failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
