Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think i have herpe
just one?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
