People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
