Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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