Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
