Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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